The Eyes Have It

Has this ever happened to you? You get so pumped about something because you have done your homework and you are dying to share your knowledge with someone else. You dive right in going along strutting your knowledge and then it happens. The glassy eyes or you can physically see them checking out with the eyes. I worked with some professional teachers whom understood this behavior well and they taught me to watch the eyes!

Why the eyes? Eyes reflect emotions. As I meet with clients I love to watch the eyes as we dialogue or play together. Eye contact also reveals, at least for me, connection and vulnerability. It takes great courage to engage with others through eye contact. As a counselor I have become so attuned to the power of the eyes that it guides sessions sometimes. When I get the glassy look or they begin to look elsewhere I know it’s time to quit speaking and to let them be for awhile. I also know for some it is an extremely painful skill to learn.

So who cares, you may ask? There are multiple reasons eyes are important but let me share what I am discovering. For us the eyes create connection and I see many kids who lack the skill to make connection. As you can guess lots of parents believe their child has autism due to the inability to interact socially. Yes some are and this is not downplaying that reality. But here’s the deal, connection is built through the eyes, or to broaden it, the senses. The senses are how we relate to the world. It is how we are informed about the world. If a child cannot list activities outside of playing video games, than your child will struggle socially. Eye contact is necessary for the development of that skill which is MODELED for them through attachment and attunement.

Eye contact in American culture is important. We have come to value it so much that if someone is doing something else and not looking at us when we speak than they, we believe, aren’t listening. But if we stop talking and look in the eyes, the eyes will speak. The eyes provide us wonderful clues if we pay attention. So next time you are engaged with another person, watch the eyes! They truly speak louder than words.

A Rare Emotion

I am a cup half full type of person. Yes I can be cynical, sarcastic and occasionally give you an attitude. But deep in my soul I hold firmly on to hope. Hope in whatever forms it presents itself, until this day.

This morning while in the shower I had an overwhelming sense of hopelessness at the carnage we create for one another. Many folks ask how I can spend the day listening to other peoples challenges and still remain hopeful. I do it because it is witnessing to the healing work that happens and I am blessed to get a front row seat to transformation occurring in the dance of life.

But today if I am honest, this is new for me. I have lost faith in our government and our ability to protect our most vulnerable. I am not throwing in the towel on curbing violence or reasonable gun control or increased mental health access. But what I firmly now believe without a doubt is that those issues are symptoms of a larger problem. Our ability to be in relationship and connection has taken been lost. Not sure how or why but we are seeing the disconnection in vivid display and it’s claiming victims of all ages.

So tonight as I go to bed I ponder how to build relationships with people whom I don’t agree or cross divides created because it is only in relationship where hope is born.

What I No Longer Do

Anyone who knows me knows I have never been one to hold back in something I feel passionate about to say what I feel needs to be said. My parents spoke their minds and I learned it well.

Something has changed though. It happened just a few minutes ago when I sifted through the memories on Facebook. Approximately 6 years ago I posted a rant on Facebook. Not a proud moment for sure. Now would be embarrassed by it quite frankly. But here is why.

I have learned that pouring out my frustration and disappointment with other people on social media is not helpful. Sure I have known that for some time but it took looking back to realize how unhelpful and unhealthy that was.

Here is what I am learning about social media. Sometimes we equate using a platform to respond to others so that it might prompt a change in a person’s way of thinking or being. Some use it to as a way to hopefully bring about change. Rarely if ever does it do that. I admit I gave it too much power to do that before and since that time I have exercised restraint in my postings.

So why write a blog post about it now? In part because although social media has given an unique venue to express our selves, it is an sporadic experience when I have felt revived or lifted up or even aware of changes that are good lifted through this technology. I have witnessed the havoc it plays with people’s lives. I work with people to overcome the negativity that saturates social media.

Social media provides us with good things no doubt such as peeking into the lives of others whom we love and care to see and connect. I am not saying I won’t use social media. What I am saying is I will no longer rant using this method. It’s not healthy or helpful. What I did was perpetuate angst without follow up. If I feel like ranting or expressing frustration I will be courageous to sit down with someone to state my thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. I think it has provided us an easy way out and after reading what I wrote I will no longer contribute to that stream of negativity. I have realized I can only control myself and responding in such a way helped no one.

Glimpses of Mom at Thanksgiving

This past Thanksgiving holiday was one Mom would have been so happy about—her whole tribe was together which almost never happens these days. Her kids, grandkids, kids-in- laws , and great grandkids all together along with her youngest sister and her husband on Friday.

We took advantage of the time and did some cleaning, sorting and dividing up memories over the two days. It’s pretty remarkable to look back and remember your childhood. Of course there were things that were donated and some so badly damaged they were tossed but the night we went through her jewelry was heartwarming. The grandkids all got to choose what meant something to them and I am so thankful they were able to do that. What a blessing it was and I believe mom would had wanted it that way.

We gathered in her home for thanksgiving. That meant a lot to me because I felt her there with us laughing with us, crying with us, and probably wishing for a little bit of quiet. But family is it! Nothing more matters and this holiday gave me that message. Maybe it is my own aging or maturity but I didn’t always have that sense until today. As I donned the veil she and I both shared in our weddings, the legacy of love continues through her family as we all now have our own kids and her legacy continues to shape all of us. Thanks Mom!

Loving yourself, loving neighbor

Over the last couple of years I have discovered an important truth. Loving yourself is EXTREMELY difficult. There are often too many barriers constructed for us and by us to achieve this without help from others. The GREAT NEWS is it is attainable and possible.

Most of my days are spent listening to people’s pain. Most are teens and children. Lots of time, especially for those who self harm or attempt suicide, they are trying hard to stop feeling so unworthy or unwanted, it is heart wrenching. And while we stand on the sidelines wishing they wouldn’t do such things or have those thoughts, they are trying to survive any way they know how until they can no longer endure.

Loving yourself doesn’t come naturally at all. It takes hard work because those who surround you might have harmed you in intentional and unintentional ways. And for children and youth they rely almost entirely on the family to help with developing love of self.

In a production based society, worth is based-on what we do not that we are. We do it all the time in families. Need to make good grades, never fail, don’t let them down, are all thoughts we all have had at one time or another. Whether it causes one to strive for perfection or withdraw into nothingness, it does not lead to loving yourself.

So what needs to change? It’s a complex issue because it has many layers Doubt and rejection begins early. From the time we are infants we begin developing our sense of self worth.

Jesus gave a commandment to love our neighbor as ourselves. It hasn’t been until recently I discovered how truly challenging this is. And I believe we focus on the other because focusing on ourselves seems wrong or conceited. But I believe Jesus was telling us that we only can truly love our neighbors when we love ourselves. That’s the paradox and why this is so hard.

Every week I am helping someone in crisis. Crisis in the mental health world is suicidal or homicidal ideation. And what I have discovered is that at the heart of most of these thoughts are the following:

unworthiness,

feeling like I don’t matter

I am a waste.

And the list goes on.

Yes kids have told me this and then the work set out before me is to help them love themselves. I believe this is holy work. Too many negative messages come at us all the time and it is only in loving ourselves that we can truly love others.

As I am discovering this new challenge by Jesus, I invite conversation. I don’t have all the answers but I am willing to risk the conversation so that we can express grace to ourselves as well as others.

Mother’s Wisdom

The past few days have been filled with lots of planning for mom’s funeral. Thus lots of memories being told and remembered. And for me it has been a time of learning some things about her that I didn’t know or somehow forgotten.

So as I think about her life, here are a few of the lessons I learned.

1. It doesn’t matter how late you are out on Saturday night, you always go to church on Sunday

2. Try your best

3. It will all work out

4. This is something she modeled — her Bible and The Upper Room Daily Devotional.

5. Family vacations are important (although we kids fought al the time). She loved nature and camping gave me lots of good memories. I know we went to South Dakota many times because my parents loved the Black Hills. Vacations there always included Chips Ahoy to feed the donkeys.

6. Do what is right, even if you aren’t wanting to.

7. Taught me how to share a room with a sibling.

8. She got me hooked on reading, especially mysteries. I have a copy of the first mystery she had me read. She loved the book of Esther because it reads as a good story.

9. She was always there when I needed her, especially when I had my own children

10. We always had breakfast and supper together. Of course us daughters always had clean up duties!!!

She bought Tang and I thought that was so cool because it’s what astronauts drank!

As I think back over her life, I know without a doubt, her family and her faith was her world.

But since her death many memories are flooding me especially when I first wake and for those I give thanks.

The Ministry of the Casserole

Trauma. Violence. Suicide. Abuse. Mental Illness. Depression. The List Could Go ON…..

These words have been in our news and conversations.  Within one week in my corner of the world, we became aware of three suicides.  In the last month at least two school shootings grabbed the headlines.  Children are dying from violence and abuse.  It is overwhelming to think about yet it seems to be so pervasive we are commanded to pay attention.

 1 in 4 person suffer from a trauma and the ratio is pretty much the same for mental illness.  This is a significant statistic we need to pay heed to in order to begin to make progress towards healing.  Think about it, if you are in a group of 4 people, at least one of you struggles with mental illness or has suffered from trauma.  Staggering isn’t it! The educational world is beginning to realize the implications this has on a child’s ability to learn and grow.  Thus it has begun to “educate” itself to understand what shifts needs to occur to better serve students.

For me though, I have been called by God through ordination to bridge the world and the church.  I live this calling out in service as a school counselor in public education with accountability to be a compassionate witness,  representing the church of which I am ordained.  So to continue to build the bridge between the two,  I am going to focus on the ministry of the church in regards to trauma and mental illness in this post.

A very close friend of mine is raising her son who suffers from mental illness.  She grew up within the United Methodist church and even during the first few years of her son’s life, the family participated in church activities.  Then the outbursts and meltdowns began and the reality that he suffered from mental illness began.   It became apparent that the church was not equipped to respond.  So they withdrew from church, even though they have connections with people (pastors)  in the church.

So the other day this friend and I were conversing about how for a hospitalization, funeral,  or new birth the church usually responds in some capacity and usually it is with food.  It is an awesome way to show support and care.  However, that was not her experience.  She shared with me that when her son had to be hospitalized for his mental illness,  no “casserole” or food was shared.  No support was given.  No inquiries were made into how the family was coping or how the church could support them during these extremely stressful times.  And he has been hospitalized multiple times.

I share this story because the church has some growing to do in regards to ministry with and for persons and families who struggle with trauma and mental illness.  We are champions at supporting those who suffer physical ailments yet disease of the mind is still a battle fought alone and oftentimes with shame. We not only need to give witness to the suffering but realize we travel with them along this journey.  And that the journey doesn’t need to remain hidden or forbidden to be talked about in the community of faith.  Many suffer alone without the support of a community of faith.  We, the church, need to be present to the pain knowing though that it does not require a solution, as Teresa Rhodes McGee states in Transforming Trauma.   She says ,”Rather, it means holding the memory of each person’s suffering and transformation as sacred.”  The church plays a unique role in the healing of people and exploring what that looks like for each congregation is important.

How can we become places where healing and transformation can occur with intentionality? I believe the process begins through educating ourselves.  And if we are faithful to the Biblical story we need to become keenly aware of the trauma held within the pages that shape who we are.  Not only be aware of it but to speak to it in multiple ways.

So with a couple of friends, a spouse who is a pastor as well, and the help of the conference staff we thought it was time to begin that process of being intentional to make sure we authentically understand these realities so we can provide space for those who suffer from mental illness and trauma.  So on September 28-29 2018, the first Becoming a Trauma-Informed Congregation Conference will be held (in our conference)  For those who are United Methodist in the Great Plains Conference, a flier with information will be included in the packet next week.  More articles, registration website/link, etc. will be forthcoming in the next several weeks.

Forewarnng:  This is not a program with steps to implement.  This event will educate the participants on the biological, emotional, and spiritual impact of trauma. It will focus on shifting from “what is wrong with you” to a “what has happened to you” paradigm.  It will be an opportunity to explore in breakout sessions various components such as the church’s response to suicide or incorporating trauma-informed concepts into worship.  We will discover together the implications this will have for our congregations.  It is a first step!

Remember 1 in 4!  It is time the church begins to explore with intention how ministry will look in the future with those who have suffered trauma or struggle with mental illness.

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

Over the last several years being a school counselor, I have learned so many things that to recount it all would take up too much time.  This afternoon, however, I learned that ignorance is not bliss.

Let me share what I mean.  In my adult life there have been topics I haven’t explored because I believed they did not pertain to me or/nor was I that interested.  So thus I stayed ignorant.  Figured I was happier that way.  I mean I couldn’t be held responsible for what I did not know.  Well, this afternoon I became educated on what is happening in the drug culture and what is affecting us greatly, especially families.

In my counseling classes and in education, I was aware drugs were a very real part of my students world.  It was part of my world.  However, being aware is not a substitute to being informed.  I liked keeping my head buried in the sand because than I felt safer and it was how I was raised.  Now…..not so much.

The school district hosted a two hour workshop on the new trends in the drug world.  A couple of us signed up to go and I am so thankful I did!  It was a powerful and informative workshop.  The presenter was Officer Jermaine Galloway from Boise, Idaho.

I learned about all sorts of names, music, clothes, strains, trends just to name a few things.  Here are my takeaways from this afternoon:

1.  “You Can’t Stop What You Don’t Know” -his byline for his workshops and basically you can’t combat something if you know nothing about it.
2. Drugs are being morphed, laced, and camouflaged  in so many different ways that it would be a full-time job to stay current.
3. Nothing is random–the music, the clothes, the drugs are tied together.  As he says,  “Sex, drugs, alcohol and explicit language all travel together”
4. The ability to produce/manufacture drugs is EXTREMELY EASY TO DO!!!  Websites like Amazon and Ebay are selling the equipment used by persons to make various substances like Xanax or Dabs.  YouTube is full of videos that teach folks how to be their own pharmacy (so to speak).  The more available something is, the more usage there is (think cellphones, etc).

As if this wasn’t enough to get my attention, he shared about the drugs  Fentanyl and Carfentanil.  Just google these drugs and check out the potency.  Why are these drugs showing up more?  There are several reasons for this; but what I got from this portion of the workshop and its impact in my world of elementary education is that it is being laced to other drugs such as marijuana, heroin, etc.  So because of it potency it is very lethal.  For those who are not opioid tolerant, a size of a penny of Fentanyl will kill you and a salt crystal sized carfentanil is even more potent, thus deadly.  Kids are dying from this because you can buy synthetic drugs off the internet and “have it delivered to your home” or off the street and not know it has been laced as Officer Galloway shared.

Furthermore, it is deadly in several forms (not just through ingestion).  If you see a zip loc bag of a substance, almost by instinct we open it up to smell it or touch it.  With these two very potent and lethal substances, it would kill you.  Hence why there is an increase in law enforcement and other service type employees (EMS, nurses, firefighters, etc) deaths from these drugs.  So the takeaway, if you discover what you believe to be a substance you do not know what it is, contact law enforcement–don’t open the bag and sniff.

This is extremely terrifying and disturbing information.  However, I am so glad I went because now I am more informed so when I see certain hats, shirts, hear certain music, etc I now know what is being conveyed.  And that my friends is empowering.  It is a HUGE ISSUE FACING OUR COUNTRY THUS OUR FAMILIES.  But learning and stretching my mind to wrap around something I preferred to not know about is liberating.

So if you want to follow Officer Jermaine Galloway on Facebook or Twitter:  #tallcopsayssstop or Tallcopsaysstop.  He also has a website which I would invite you all to check out!  An afternoon well spent!

 

Why #DailyGratitude

Last year between Thanksgiving and Christmas I became aware I was in a not-so-good place.  Not a dark place but a bad attitude place.  When I hit Christmas break and had time to reflect, I realized how far I had gone.  While at the same time I was also reading Catherine Ryan Hyde’s book The Long Steep Path.  In her book she has a chapter entitled,  Be Grateful for the Good Things You Already Have, which ignited a spark.

Now being grateful was not a new concept to me.  It is a concept in which I practice quite often or so I would tell myself.   However, it was without intention.  By this I mean, when I had a really great day, I would give thanks or at times I wouldn’t.  I would practice during appropriate times of the year (Thanksgiving) but again without thinking much about it.

The spark Hyde’s chapter created was to be public with my gratitude.  Here is what she writes:

Now, the part about posting gratitude on social networks might seem odd. It might even sound like an idea that doesn’t mesh with the gratitude theme.  I can picture you asking yourself (I’m a novelist, I have a vivid imagination), Why online?  Why not just be grateful?  I tried that.  It worked fine.  Until I forgot. Which I always did.

As I read that, I thought that is so me.  I would try to practice the discipline of giving thanks/being grateful but I would allow life to interfere and sideswipe me.  When I realized how insightful she was about making #DailyGratitude public, it got me thinking.  So why public?  As Hyde states:  It creates accountability.  It has forced me to intentionally think at the end of the day what I have to give thanks for.  Yes there is lots to be grateful for but the practice of sharing it and making it about one thing during my day requires reflection.

I am also discovering it has helped with being in my “bad attitude place”.  It has helped move me to a “better” place in regards to my own mental health.  It is simple yet hard.  Quick but impactful.  I know lots of people do a journal (which I love to do) but sometimes that is too long for me to do.

So, if you are following me on Facebook or Twitter, and see the #DailyGratitude, know it is a way of practicing self-love.  Believe me, some days have been quite challenging to think of a time in my day for which to be grateful for,  but this discipline of living gratefully has opened up a way for me to practice self-care with accountability.

P.S.  I love Catherine Ryan Hyde’s books and this is an excellent one as well!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Question I Try Not to Ask

In my training to be a counselor, I learned a “trick of the trade” so to speak when working with children.  I learned this from Dr. Garry Landreth (a guru in child centered play therapy) at a conference about two years ago and it has stuck with me.  And that gold nugget is this:

NEVER ASK A CHILD THE QUESTION WHY?

The reasoning behind such a statement made perfect sense when he explains it.  The explanation is the question “why” requires rational thought.  Children have difficulty accessing that part of the brain, especially in regards to their behavior.  “Why”  requires the child to explain in a rational way the reasoning behind what they did or are doing.  And what I have discovered is that the majority of the time, they cannot answer the question.  It requires the ability to self-reflect on behavior that is lots of time unexplainable.  The answers vary from a blank stare (usually looking anywhere but at me) to shrugging shoulders to a verbal “I dunno know”.

When visiting with a student, this question hardly ever comes up (occasionally it slips out).  I have learned it is not a fruitful question to ask children or adults for that matter.

However, with adults the question is rarely asked because we don’t what to infringe upon someone else’s motivation, freedom, etc.  But as I have perused through social media and looked at all the comments regarding tragic and horrific events, the question I   try to not ask pops to the forefront.  And here is what I have concluded:

If I were to sit down with someone who espoused hatred and evil, that question would be wanting to fly off my lips.  Why are you doing such horrific acts?, etc.   But here’s the deal breaker:  it makes people defensive whether it is a child or adult.   And to overcome evil in this world, making them defensive isn’t beneficial because it doesn’t allow for dialogue or learning.

Every day I see children whom have experienced evil in very microscopic ways.  It doesn’t make the headlines and cause outrage among the mainstream.  Yet the only way I know to overcome evil is through loving the children.  When evil makes an appearance, it is how I can respond.  Through this action, my hope is that the evil that made an grandiose appearance in recent years will subside with intentionally loving  the children.  Because it is with them that we have the greatest opportunity to shape their lives for good. And that my friends is worth the work it takes to daily love them because in them hope is alive.