The Eyes Have It

Has this ever happened to you? You get so pumped about something because you have done your homework and you are dying to share your knowledge with someone else. You dive right in going along strutting your knowledge and then it happens. The glassy eyes or you can physically see them checking out with the eyes. I worked with some professional teachers whom understood this behavior well and they taught me to watch the eyes!

Why the eyes? Eyes reflect emotions. As I meet with clients I love to watch the eyes as we dialogue or play together. Eye contact also reveals, at least for me, connection and vulnerability. It takes great courage to engage with others through eye contact. As a counselor I have become so attuned to the power of the eyes that it guides sessions sometimes. When I get the glassy look or they begin to look elsewhere I know it’s time to quit speaking and to let them be for awhile. I also know for some it is an extremely painful skill to learn.

So who cares, you may ask? There are multiple reasons eyes are important but let me share what I am discovering. For us the eyes create connection and I see many kids who lack the skill to make connection. As you can guess lots of parents believe their child has autism due to the inability to interact socially. Yes some are and this is not downplaying that reality. But here’s the deal, connection is built through the eyes, or to broaden it, the senses. The senses are how we relate to the world. It is how we are informed about the world. If a child cannot list activities outside of playing video games, than your child will struggle socially. Eye contact is necessary for the development of that skill which is MODELED for them through attachment and attunement.

Eye contact in American culture is important. We have come to value it so much that if someone is doing something else and not looking at us when we speak than they, we believe, aren’t listening. But if we stop talking and look in the eyes, the eyes will speak. The eyes provide us wonderful clues if we pay attention. So next time you are engaged with another person, watch the eyes! They truly speak louder than words.